i laughed frm my heart e 1st time in dunno-since-how-long-ago on fri n i laughed more heartily today! :D

slowly i'm inching back to normal i hope!today i went to c dr 4 my face n he's so busy..took blood test n i got a huge bruise on my hand. today e nurse ask me how come suddenly i m not scared of needles cos i was juz looking at her stick e needle into my vein which muz b blocked by all e fats cos she can't locate it n den draw blood out slowly..cos e last time when she 1st took my blood for blood test i was nervous n i said i was scared. i'm scared of needles.my threshold for pain is super low. so i told her: there's so much to do at skool i'm numbed to e extent where i can feel u drawing blood n i can juz look at u n not flinch a single bit. now it's a pretty big patch of blue-black. i wonder y..maybe cos i nv relax enuf when she draw e blood. reminds me of those frozen chicken wings n u c e blue black patches den i start to feel sad for em cos they suffer whilst they're dying..i tink i shd juz eat more vege n less meat..tink i'll feel more energetic n oso less short tempered

dis wk sux to e max cos i've nv been so depressed in my whole life EVER.
can u believe almost crying in skool 2 times in a wk n actually tearing in front of e com at home on those 2 very same days?i'm evolving into a crybaby.NEVER in my life haf i cried except when i got my O and A level results n when e obs instructor forced me to climb up e rock wall when i was freaking scared n maybe some other times when i quarrel w my mum or i injured myself n it's so painful.BUT NEVER EVER DURING SKOOL TIME.not even last sem when during mid sem i was depressed..more of xian and pissed n irritated but not to e extent of crying.

sux..i hate crying cos it's a sign of weakness.so i will not cry in public if i can control.wan to cry at least when i reach home alr den cry.but den i've nv cried in my whole life cos of such stuf b4..it's really insane tt i become weaker as i grow up when obviously it shd b e reverse.wells i hope after my cny break i will be recharged n really rest myself well ie sleep w/o setting alarm cos EVERYDAY i hafta set alarm n tt's freaking irritating. i alr set a self declared hol on fri but den e mto lecturer nv set e angle properly for webcast.DAMN IRRITATING!obviously u can tell tt it's slanted n how e hell u expect us to c properly!lemme consider again..i was so happy w my decision last nite alr haha!

i tink my depression is caused by a lot of factors tt snowballed and accumulated ever since skool started n prolly even b4 skool started,n e pressing deadlines make it worse..n e lack of slp is e most shit thing cos i really become super tired n when i m tired i will b in bad mood n if u happen to irritate me tt's it cos i will flare up at u!when i m in a gd mood or normal mood i can still bear w it as long as it's within limits but if i m alr in a bad mood i will juz SNAP at u or even worse den tt.i need pple who can make me laugh frm e bottom of my heart.sometimes when i feel bad all i need is juz pple whom i can complain to,but den again i look for diff pple for diff problems.yups.when i get back to normal again everything will prolly b pretty much e same as last time alr!

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*fri*

met up w my vj gang!i was so looking foward to fri rite from e start of e wk cos i initiated e meeting on mon nite alr. i badly needed to c em cos i was feeling like crap n i really needed an avenue to vent it n i noe they can make me feel better. somehow sms-ing tl on tues n e exchange of sms juz made me feel lousy abt stuf tho tl was trying her very best to comfort me but i guess when u're really tt deep down nobody can help u.so i was still feeling crap.so anyway she gave me face n turned up on fri cos i said i was depressed n i really was.i hate fri cos it's e longest day!essentially i dun like thurs n fri cos they're long days n fri's supposed to b a happy day cos e next day is sat!anyway i was so tired during lsm i semi dozed off in e 1st hr n ended up attempting to scribble notes when my eyes were shut n i was drifting off to lalaland only to find in amusement when i woke up, either scribbles or words tt e lecturer nv ever said!yups so i met em at bugis n was complaining e moment i saw em n blah blah blah when we reached billy bombers i was still rambling but i juz couldn't pin pt exactly e cause of depression as they were asking me den they ended up saying stuf tt really crack me up haha!i was laughing so hard tt my tears were rolling down but when vonne asked y i was depressed i nearly cried again.cos i was reminded of stuf n basically i juz haven't cried to release e pent up tears yet.but i dun wanna start crying cos i noe e moment i start i wun stop till much later n i dun wanna b an embarrassment. but was ok after a while cos more crap came my way haha! ;)
so i was saying how screwed NUS was as usual i m really anti NUS to e max i tell u. i dun give 2 hoots abt how it's e 1 of e top unis in e world cos obviously i dun feel how it can even be e top unis w e crap pple u're using as teaching staff. maybe u're taking a creative approach so we can do self learning but i still dun subscribe to dis method. U SUCK! i tink it's sad tt a teaching instituition becomes so hated by so many pple cos i noe most of e pple in my vj gang hate nus, safe for e SEP part n e pple. congrats for hitting tt record target. sorry for bitterness or sarcasm but i really tink it's screwed..cos i've nv ever hated a skool tt much in my life. i noe u can choose to accept it or juz decline it-i've accepted e fact long ago,but acknowledging doesn't mean i accept it. i can count w 1 hand e tutors or lecturers who r gd. PATHETIC.

enuf of tt bitterness..i can be really negative at times.flip n nv seen b4 side of shan rite?when i m in a bad mood n depressed tt's wat u get.i dun give a damn.

i love my vj gang-cos they can really crack me up n make me laugh frm e bottom of my heart..n they will bother to listen n discuss to c wat's e best solution out. i noe i've got other frens who'll do e same stuf 4 me too...it's juz tt i nv asked..n they're too far away. cos i nv make effort ba..ok muz make effort..cos maintaining frenships r essentially all abt making e effort rite?

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*sat*

went to c e dr today den was as usual keep hiam-ing y e med still not much use.den told him abt e depression n flare ups which r so common recently cos my sis read somewhere somebody committed suicide whilst on roaccutane..but i tink tt's a rare case. he said i'm taking half e usual dosage den i said wanna increase not?he said if he increase i wun b smiling like i did today haha!he shd really take a look at me in skool..den he will really noe wat is called pissed n black face n depressed.

after tt met camy for some shopping cos i wanted to get my dcp t shirts i love e monkey so cute!e dog oso!anyway i bot 2 t shirts both orange cos i wan cheery colours!if ur life is dark enuf alr shd add some colour to add life into it!

had a really gd time at ballo steamboat!ex tho...i prefer e steamboat opp tkgs there haha!
anyway i had a chance to tok to yq cos skool doesn't really leave u w much time to talk n somemore we're both super busy.i'm happy 4 e chance tt we can finally talk n catch up.wells he says i gotta do everything w a smile-tt's impossible la..how can u ever do CN stuf w a smile?tt's a resigned smile if i gotta smile!so after my pseudo hot date to dcp to attempt to get couple t shirts(which failed cos somebody refuses to believe tt he's reduced to an S size*wat's wrong w tt man?!i would love to b an S size anytime man*) we went to e traditional hk dessert place expecting to find e rest but they were at swensens eating earthquake.since my pseudo date n me r broke n we really wanted to eat e hk dessert we juz went ahead w it haha!unfortunate me is stuck w my pseudo date hahahahha! ;) so many desserts were sold out alr!e power of e media-it was featured in sunday plus.so anyway 2 super mega bright light bulbs came along to disrupt e hot date :P ly n my really say v funny things n i was laughing non stop cos they're sparring verbally w yq-my e reigning winner juz made me laugh w almost everything she said!dunno how her brain churns out so much stuf!sorry yq tho u're e hot date unless u gimme priority queue i can't help u,esp e -_-''' stuf..wu neng wei li haha!oops dun slap me haha
super nice to catch up w em cos when yq said it's juz like a seline outing,i really agreed w him,cos it's been so long since we had a seline outing n i really miss it a lot.cos i can identify w e stuf n i really laugh frm e bottom of my heart!
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ok i betta slp now i m damn tired..tmr got tuition gotta set alarm clock again!i juz got a letter frm starhub tt they couldn't decuct my bill frm my acc..muz b keep withdrawing money till it's almost depleted again!